This column is a (comedic) opinion of the Winnipeg HUNKS comedy group.

Dear graduates,

Congratulations on meeting all legal graduation requirements prescribed by your provincial or territorial authorities.

You are the leaders of tomorrow, and we can’t wait to see what kind of dances you invent along the way.

But before handing you over the nuclear codes, here are some tips to guide you on this journey of life.

Be yourself. Identity theft is a crime in Canada, punishable by up to 10 years in federal prison, so you’ll have to continue to be yourself. Sucks, I know, especially if you’re a geek looking to break out of your old reputation.

Don’t believe anything you hear and half of what you read. Great advice for instilling some healthy skepticism, although it’s not entirely clear how to approach audiobooks.

Remember the names of the people. It might seem small, but you never know who you’ll need to turn on to get to the top. If you find yourself in a situation where you really can’t remember someone’s name, just give them a generic nickname like “Doink” or “Gravel Face”.

Avoid credit card debt. Credit card companies are notorious for having predatory interest rates that will plunge you into an abyss of debt that you can never get out of. Do like me and just send money orders to Pornhub.

Aim for the moon. Even if you miss, you will land among the stars. If you are not planning on becoming an astronaut, you can simply ignore this advice.

Treat others as you would like to be treated. This one has always been a little counterintuitive to me because I’m turned on by car crashes, but it’s a cliché for a reason I guess.

Don’t buy a house near a hospital. It might seem like being close to a hospital, especially if you have a knife-based hobby like me, but my owner who is 14 years younger than me told me it was bad for value of the property (whatever it is).

Don’t get attached to things. Pretty obvious when you think about it. Still, there is nothing worse than getting attached to something and then finding out that it is about to take the plunge.

Treat the janitor the same way you treat the CEO. Look for the glimmer of dignity in the janitor’s eyes when he too is caught in the net of the white collar crime you unleashed with an anonymous tip. He’ll just be happy that you remember his name (see above).

There is no self-taught person. I can’t believe I have to tell you this, but when a mum and daddy love each other very much they have a baby and this is where are people from.

Graduates, you are at the start of an incredible journey.

Never before has a generation been faced with such unknown challenges. Global pandemics, climate change, political conflicts. You will all be called upon to solve the world’s problems (unless you have taken courses in applied mathematics).

With uneasy fear and without any jealousy, I wish you good luck. I am very interested to see how these crises will be resolved with TikToks and memes.